conan-o39brien-畢業(yè)致辭-絕了!(編輯修改稿)
2025-07-26 07:24 本頁(yè)面
【文章內(nèi)容簡(jiǎn)介】 to all plant life, as well as most types of rock.If I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I39。d be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace thong.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn39。t know the second verse to Dear Old Dartmouth. Face it, none of you do. You all mumble that part.If I had gone to Dartmouth, I39。d have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag chair.Finally, if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I39。d be getting an honorary degree at Harvard. Imagine how awesome that would be.You are a great school, and you deserve a historic mencement address. That39。s right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the world. To do this, I must suggest groundbreaking policy. Winston Churchill gave his famous Iron Curtain speech at Westminster College in 1946. JFK outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in 1963. Today, I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it The Conan Doctrine. Under The Conan Doctrine: All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master39。s degrees. All master39。s degrees will be upgraded to PhDs. And all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar prison. Under The Conan Doctrine, Winter Carnival will bee Winter Carnivale and be moved to Rio. Clothing will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni Association. Your nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kickass like The Jade Blade, the Seafoam Avenger, or simply LimeZilla. The DPlan and quarter system will finally be updated to the one sixtyfourth system. Semesters will last three days. Students will be encouraged to take 48 semesters off. They must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of July. Under The Conan Doctrine, I will reinstate Tubestock. And I will punish those who tried to replace it with Fieldstock. Rafting and beer are a much better bination than a field and a beer. I happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your desk. Don39。t let those bastards do it.And finally, under The Conan Doctrine, all mencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the world. Dartmouth class of 2011 rules!Besides policy, another hallmark of great mencement speeches is deep, profound advice like reach for the stars. Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty clich233。s. Instead, I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few years. First, adult ae lasts longer than you think. I almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my eye. Guys, this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing it. Here39。s another one. If you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool bees a white gel. And finally, wearing colorful Converse hightops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your life.Of course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as well. Parents, you should write this down: Many of your children you haven39。t seen them in four years. Well, now you are about to see them every day when they e out of the basement to tell you the wifi isn39。t working. If your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be worried. The only place where they are now really qualified
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