【正文】 he one39。s like, 39。FOMO39。而現(xiàn)在，我們轉(zhuǎn)向了另一種模式即追崇自主選擇、個人權(quán)利、自我實現(xiàn)與幸福的模式，這是我腦子里冒出的第一個想法，愛的需求沒有改變，但大環(huán)境和人們處理情感關(guān)系的方式發(fā)生了很大的變化。We e from a model that, until now, wasprimarily regulated around duty and obligation, the needs of the collective we have shifted it to a model of free choice and individualrights, and selffulfillment and so, that was the first thing Ithought, that the need doesn39。d like to ment on?誒斯特當(dāng)您觀看海倫演講的時候是否有和您所做的工作產(chǎn)生共鳴的地方？您可以和我們說說嘛？Esther Perel: It39。So Esther, when you were watching Helen39。佩雷斯從事情侶心理治療師的工作，您研究數(shù)據(jù)，誒斯特研究那些向她尋求幫助的情侶們所訴說的故事。海倫，今天還有另一位演講者，她和您在相同的領(lǐng)域里做研究，不過是從不同的視角來分析問題。s another speaker here with us that works in yoursame es at it from a different Perel is apsychotherapist who works with study data, Esther studies thestories the couples tell her when they e to her for 39。總結(jié)下來，便是任何對人類關(guān)系的詮釋必須考慮到人類行為，最強大的決定因素是那難以抑制的極具適應(yīng)性的最原始的愛的動力。賈雷爾總結(jié)的最好他說：在枯燥繁瑣的家庭生活中強者不顯其智，弱者反而取勝。The dark,uneasy world of family lifewhere the greatest can fail, and the humblestsucceed.39。葉芝所說 “愛情是個狡猾的家伙” 我會再加一句，“沒人能活著出來”。正如詩人威廉我不是一個盲目樂觀的人，還有很多事情值得擔(dān)憂。 I would add,39。s a whole pile of William Butler Yeats,the poet, once said, 39。ve studied divorce in 80 cultures, I39。there39。I39。We are right now in a marriage are shedding 10,000 years of our farming tradition and moving forwardtowards egalitarian relationships between the sexessomething I regard ashighly patible with the ancient human ，我們摒棄了1萬年前的農(nóng)業(yè)傳統(tǒng)，朝著兩性平等的方向發(fā)展。堅信婚前必須保持處女身包辦婚姻（嚴(yán)格安排的婚姻）、堅信男性是一家之主女性就應(yīng)該待在家里更重要的一點。s place is in the home and most important, honor thy husband, and39。男性的工作變得更為重要，他們必須搬運大石、砍樹、耕地，他們把農(nóng)產(chǎn)品帶到市場上賣換回來同等的錢。s jobs became more important: they had to move the rocks, fell the trees,plow the brought the produce to local markets, and came home withthe equivalent of ，人類開始以農(nóng)耕為主，男女似乎有義務(wù)尋找合適的人結(jié)婚。雙份收入家庭是一般法則，女性不論在經(jīng)濟、社會還是性方面都和男性具有同等的地位。而是在全世界范圍內(nèi)大量女性進(jìn)入職場的結(jié)果。s not even slow 39。于是，我研究了美國1100位已婚人士。Yes.39。re currently married to?39。re going to see more happy I did astudy of 1,100 married people in Americanot on , of courseandI asked them a lot of one of the questions was, 39。如今，在美國 86%的美國人將在49歲結(jié)婚，即便在世界上結(jié)婚率不高的文化里，最終他們也會和長期伴侶安定下來。而現(xiàn)在它意味著尾聲，但人類大腦The human brain always triumphs, andindeed, in the United States today, 86 percent of Americans will marry by even in cultures around the world where they39。s the human brain而真實情況是這其實是婚前準(zhǔn)備階段的實際延伸。s happening is, whatwe39。且對婚前性行為毫無愧疚感，在這種情況下人們選擇愛得慢一些。And in an age where we have too manychoices, we have very little fear of pregnancy and disease and we39。re kind, whether they can listen and at my age, whetherthey39。Today39。他們擔(dān)心離婚后面對的社會、法律、情感以及經(jīng)濟后果。I think it39。reterrified of the social, legal, emotional, economic consequences of I came to realize that I don39。s got tobe some Darwinian explanationNot that many people are ，但我一直不這么認(rèn)為，畢竟這種模式太普遍，肯定有某種類似于達(dá)爾文生物進(jìn)化的地方。Americans think that this is doubted that for a long time。每年我都看到同樣的模式，向他們提問的結(jié)果是超過50%的人有一夜情的經(jīng)歷，并不一定是上一年，而是他們一生中，在他們的有生之年50%的人曾經(jīng)和朋友上過床。We39。過去六年中，我們做了一項研究名為“美國單身” ，而是整個美國人口。t poll the Match population, we poll the use 5,000plus people, a representative sample of Americansbased on the US ，我想正是由于這種認(rèn)知超載我們引進(jìn)了一種新型求愛方式，我稱其為“慢慢愛”。Singles inAmerica.39。 I arrived at this during my work with for the last six years, we39。re ushering in a new form of courtship that I call39。So I39。在此之后，會變成某些學(xué)者稱的“認(rèn)知超載”。t choose ，從我最近對此的研究來看，我認(rèn)為大腦中有某種“最佳狀態(tài)點”。cognitive overload,39。I don39。ve been studying this recently, and Iactually think there39。它和選擇悖論這一概念相關(guān)千萬年來，人類都生活在小型狩獵及采集社會，那時的人沒有機會在社交網(wǎng)站上千里挑一選擇對象。t have the opportunity to choose between 1,000people on a dating 。But technology is producing one moderntrend that I find particularly 39。睪丸激素系統(tǒng)反應(yīng)活躍的人通常善于分析、邏輯思維強、直接、果斷，而他們尋找的是和他們對立的人，那些雌激素高的人，他們語言能力很強、善于處理人際關(guān)系、憑直覺行事且善于照顧他人，且直抒胸懷。s very intuitive andwho39。s high estrogen, somebodywho39。那些血清素系統(tǒng)反應(yīng)活躍的人往往更加傳統(tǒng)，遵循慣例與規(guī)則，尊重權(quán)威 他們通常篤信宗教 —宗教信仰正屬于血清素系統(tǒng)— 傳統(tǒng)派自然找傳統(tǒng)派的人 如此一來，是同類相吸。我想現(xiàn)場在座肯定有很多人屬于這一類型，他們通常被同類人所吸引。s an awful lot of people like that in thisroomthey39。目前，已有1400多萬人參與了問卷調(diào)查，我有幸可以觀察那些天生相互吸引的人。ve been able to watch who39。我研究生物心理學(xué)，我開始相信人類已經(jīng)進(jìn)化出了四個廣義的思考及行為方式，和多巴胺、血清素、睪丸激素和雌激素系統(tǒng)相關(guān)聯(lián)。ve e tobelieve that we39。我們可以提供各式各樣的對象，所有的征婚網(wǎng)站都可以，但唯一真實的算法卻是你的大腦，科技改變不了這一點。When you sit down in a bar, in a coffee house, on a parkbench, your ancient brain snaps into action like a sleeping cat awakened, andyou smile and laugh and listen and parade the way our ancestors did 100,000years can give you various peopleall the dating sites canbutthe only real algorithm is your own human is not going tochange 、咖啡館或坐在公園的長椅時，你的大腦會立即開始反應(yīng)，就像一只沉睡的貓被喚醒一樣。我一直宣導(dǎo)，而工作人員也認(rèn)同我的意見。m Chief Scientific Advisor to , I39。女性終于可以釋放她們最原始的性本能。電子郵件、短信、表達(dá)情感的符號、色情短信、給照片或自拍點贊...關(guān)于如何求愛有了新的規(guī)則和禁忌，但是，這真的徹底改變了愛嗎？來看看上個世紀(jì)40年代，那時候汽車剛大行其道，頓時人們便有了“可移動臥室”。 a photograph, selfies...We39。s no question that technology ischanging the way we court: ing, texting, emojis to express your emotions,sexting, 39。這些大腦系統(tǒng)早在440萬年前就從人類最早的祖先中演化而來，而不管你怎么在Tinder（社交軟件）上滑屏，它們都不會發(fā)生變化。它們位于大腦中最原始的位置，和能量、注意力、渴望度、動力、欲望及能動性相連。sgreatest prize: a mating evolved over million years ago amongour first ancestors, and they39。這三種大腦系統(tǒng)和大腦中的其他部分結(jié)合起來，控制著人類性、愛情以及家庭生活。ve long agomaintained that we39。是的，長期處于熱戀期是有可能的。 ？我認(rèn)為沒有。m goingto say almost not at study the and my colleagues have put over100 people into a brain scannerpeople who had just fallen happily in love,people who had just been rejected in love and people who are in love it is possible to remain 39。我并不是建議人類在性方面無需忠誠彼此，但在研究了42種文化中的外遇行為之后，我明白了，其中有基因的原因，而有一些則是大腦回路的問題，整個世界都非常普遍，但愛是我們與生俱來的能力。s very monaround the world, but we are built to 。re necessarily sexually faithful to 39。m notsuggesting that we39。We are a pairbonding of mammals do not pair up to rear their young。事實上，妻子們之間會產(chǎn)生爭執(zhí)，有時甚至?xí)竞Ψ降暮⒆印５诖蠖鄶?shù)這些社會中，有多個妻子的男性僅達(dá)5%~10%。s you39。最