【文章內(nèi)容簡(jiǎn)介】 地。社會(huì)學(xué)家將自愛描述為自尊的一個(gè)重要基礎(chǔ)。從別的方面來(lái)說(shuō)，自我喜歡的人更樂(lè)于接受批評(píng)，對(duì)別人的要求也不那么苛刻。弗羅姆(1956)認(rèn)為自愛是愛別人的先決條件。不喜歡自己的人也許不懂得回報(bào)愛，而卻有可能不停地尋找愛的關(guān)系來(lái)改變卑微的自我形象。那么到底什么是愛?是什么讓人們走到一起?4 Love is an elusive concept. We have all experienced love and feel we know what it is。 however, when asked what love is, people give a variety of answers. According to a nineyearold boy, for example, Love is like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. What we mean by love depends on whether we are talking about love for family members, friends, or lovers. Love has been a source of inspiration, wry witticisms, and even political action for many centuries.4愛是一個(gè)難以描述的概念。我們都經(jīng)歷過(guò)愛，覺得我們知道愛是什么，然而當(dāng)被問(wèn)到什么是愛時(shí)，人們給出的答案卻不盡相同，比如一個(gè)九歲的男孩說(shuō)，“愛像雪崩，你必須快跑才能活命。”愛對(duì)我們來(lái)說(shuō)意味著什么，這取決于我們所指的是家人之間、朋友之間還是戀人之間的愛。幾百年來(lái)愛都是靈感、俏皮的揶揄、甚至是政治活動(dòng)的來(lái)源。5 Love has many dimensions. It can be romantic, exciting, obsessive, and irrational It can also be platonic, calming, altruistic, and sensible? Many researchers feel that love defies a single definition because it varies in degree and intensity and across social contexts. At the very least, three elements are necessary for a loving relationship: (1) a willingness to please and acmodate the other person, even if this involves promise and sacrifice。 (2) an acceptance of the other person39。s faults and shortings。 and (3) as much concern about the loved one39。s welfare as one39。s own. And, people who say they are in love emphasize caring, intimacy, and mitment.5愛有很多層面，它可能是浪漫的，令人激動(dòng)的，讓人著迷的，或者是非理性的。它也可能是柏拉圖式的，令人平靜的，無(wú)私的，或者理智的。許多研究者覺得愛沒(méi)有一個(gè)唯一的定義，它有程度和強(qiáng)度之分，并且跨越了社會(huì)背景。擁有戀愛關(guān)系至少需要具備三個(gè)元素：1)愿意取悅和遷就另一方，即使需要妥協(xié)或犧牲；2)能接受另一方的錯(cuò)誤和缺點(diǎn)；3)關(guān)心愛人的幸福像關(guān)心自己一樣。而且，說(shuō)自己“處于戀愛中”的人們重視相互之間的關(guān)心、親密和忠誠(chéng)。6 In any type of love, caring about the other person is essential. Although love may,involve passionate yearning, respect is a more important quality. Respect is inherent inall love: I want the loved person to grow and unfold for his own sake, and in his ownways, and not for the purpose of serving me. If respect and caring are missing, therelationship is not based on love. Instead, it is an unhealthy or possessive dependencythat limits the lovers39。 social, emotional, and intellectual growth.6不管是哪種類型的愛，關(guān)心另一方是非常必要的。雖然愛可能包含激情的渴望，然而相互尊重才是更重要的品質(zhì)。相互尊重是所有愛的共性：“我想要我愛的人為他自己成長(zhǎng)發(fā)展，并且用他自己的方式，而不是為了迎合我?！比绻麤](méi)有尊重和關(guān)懷，兩人的關(guān)系就不是建立在愛的基礎(chǔ)上；反而成為一種不健康的或者是具有占有欲的依賴，而這會(huì)限制愛的雙方在社會(huì)、情感和智力方面的發(fā)展。7 Love, especially longterm love, has nothing in mon with the images of love or .frenzied sex that we get from Hollywood, television, and romance novels. Because of these images, many people believe a variety of myths about love. These misconceptions often lead to unrealistic expectations, stereotypes, and disillusionment. In fact, real love is closer to what one author called stirringtheoatmeal love (Johnson 1985). This type of love is neither exciting nor thrilling but is relatively mundane and unromantic. It means paying bills, putting out the garbage, scrubbing toilet bowls, being up all night with a sick baby, and performing myriad other 39。 oatmeal tasks that are not very sexy.7愛，特別是長(zhǎng)久的愛，和我們從好萊塢、電視、或愛情小說(shuō)中獲得的對(duì)愛和狂熱的性愛的印象完全不同。由于這些印象的緣故，許多人對(duì)愛有各種各樣的誤解，這些誤解常常會(huì)導(dǎo)致不現(xiàn)實(shí)的期望、固定模式或幻覺破滅。事實(shí)上，“真”愛更接近于一位作家(約翰遜，1995)所稱的“攪燕麥粥之愛”。這種愛既不令人激動(dòng)也不能令人興奮，但是它卻是實(shí)實(shí)在在的，不浪漫的。它是付賬單，倒垃圾，刷馬桶，孩子生病時(shí)守夜，以及完成其他各種各樣不那么性感的“攪燕麥粥”的任務(wù)。8 Some partners take turns stirring the oatmeal. Other people seek relationships that offer candlelit gourmet meals in a romantic setting. Whether we decide to enter a serious relationship or not, what type of love brings people together? 8有些伴侶們輪流來(lái)“攪燕麥粥”，其他人則尋求一種能帶來(lái)浪漫的燭光美餐的戀愛關(guān)系。不管我們是否決定建立認(rèn)真的戀愛關(guān)系，是什么樣的愛讓我們走到一起?9 What attracts individuals to each other in the first place? Many people believe that there39。s one person out there that one is meant for and that destiny will bring them together. Such beliefs are romantic but unrealistic. Empirical studies show that cultural norms and values, not fate, bring people together We will never meet millions of potential lovers because they are filtered out by formal or informal rules on partner eligibility due ton factors such as age, race, distance, Social class, religion, sexual orientation, health, or physical appearance.9一開始讓人相互吸引的是什么?許多人相信“世上有一個(gè)人是你為之而生的”，而且命運(yùn)會(huì)將你倆帶到一起。這樣的想法很浪漫卻不現(xiàn)實(shí)。實(shí)證研究發(fā)現(xiàn)，是文化標(biāo)準(zhǔn)和價(jià)值觀而非命運(yùn)，將人們連系在一起。我們錯(cuò)過(guò)了成千上萬(wàn)的可能的愛人，因?yàn)樗麄冊(cè)缇捅徽降幕蚍钦降奶暨x理想愛人的準(zhǔn)則篩選出局，這些準(zhǔn)則包括年齡、種族、地域、社會(huì)階層、宗教、性傾向、健康狀況或外表。10 Beginning in childhood, parents encourage or limit future romantic liaisons by selecting certain neighborhoods and schools. In early adolescence, pear norms influence the adolescent39。s decisions about acceptable romantic involvements (You want to date who?!). Even during the preteen years, romantic experiences are cultured in the sense that societal and group practices and expectations shape romantic experience. Although romance may cross cultural or ethnic borders, criticism and approval teach us what is acceptable romantic behavior and with whom. One might lust for someone, but these yearnings will not lead most of us to fall in love if there are strong cultural or group bans.10從童年開始，父母?jìng)兙屯ㄟ^(guò)選擇某個(gè)街區(qū)和學(xué)校，或是鼓勵(lì)或是限制孩子未來(lái)的情感關(guān)系。在青少年早期，同伴們的標(biāo)準(zhǔn)也會(huì)影響青少年決定哪些情感關(guān)系是可以接受的(“你想和誰(shuí)約會(huì)?”)。甚至在13歲之前，情感經(jīng)歷就由社會(huì)和群體的活動(dòng)和期望所決定和培養(yǎng)起來(lái)了。雖然愛情可以跨越文化和民族的界線，但批評(píng)和贊同教會(huì)了我們什么是可以接受的浪漫行為和與誰(shuí)發(fā)生浪漫行為。一個(gè)人也許會(huì)對(duì)另一個(gè)人產(chǎn)生“欲望”，但是如果有強(qiáng)烈的文化或族群反對(duì)，我們中的大多數(shù)人即使有這樣的渴望也不會(huì)因此而愛上某人的。11 Regan and Berscheid (1999) differentiate between lust, desire, and romantic describe lust as primarily physical rather than emotional, a condition that maybe conscious or unconscious. Desire, in contrast, is a psychological in which one wants a relationship that one doesn39。t now have, or to engage in an activity in which one is not presently engaged. Desire may or may not lead to romantic love (which the authors equate with passionate or erotic low). Regan and Berscheid suggest that desire is an essential ingredient for initiating and maintaining romantic love. If desire disappears, a person is no longer said to be in a state of romantic love. Once desire diminishes, disappointed lovers may wonder where the spark in their relationship has gone and may rem