【正文】 conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak. I did not interview men for the first four years of my study. It wasnamp。39。t until a man looked at me after a book signing, and said, amp。quot。I love what say about shame, Iamp。39。m curious why you didnamp。39。t mention men.amp。quot。 And I said, amp。quot。I donamp。39。t study men.amp。quot。 And he said, amp。quot。Thatamp。39。s convenient.amp。quot。
　　And I said, amp。quot。Why?amp。quot。 And he said, amp。quot。Because you say to reach out, tell our story, be vulnerable. But you see those books you just signed for my wife and my three daughters?amp。quot。 I said, amp。quot。Yeah.amp。quot。 amp。quot。Theyamp。39。d rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down. When we reach out and be vulnerable, we get the shit beat out of us. And donamp。39。t tell me itamp。39。s from the guys and the coaches and the dads. Because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else.amp。quot。
　　So I started interviewing men and asking questions. And what I learned is this: You show me a woman who can actually sit with a manin real vulnerability and fear, Iamp。39。ll show you a woman whoamp。39。s done incredible work. You show me a man who can sit with a woman whoamp。39。s just had it, she canamp。39。t do it all anymore, and his first response is not, amp。quot。I unloaded the dishwasher!amp。quot。
　　But he really listens because thatamp。39。s all we need Iamp。39。ll show you a guy whoamp。39。s done a lot of work.
　　Shame is an epidemic in our culture. And to get out from underneath it to find our way back to each other, we have to understand how it affects us and how it affects the way weamp。39。re parenting, the way weamp。39。re working, the way weamp。39。re looking at each other. Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College. He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms? The top answers in this country: nice, thin, modest and use all available resources for appearance.
　　When he asked about men, what do men in this country need to do to conform with male norms, the answers were: always show emotional control, work is first, pursue status and violence.
　　If weamp。39。re going to find our way back to each other, we have to understand and know empathy, because empathyamp。39。s the antidote to you put shame in a Petri dish, it needs three things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence and judgment. If you put the same amount in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy, it canamp。39。t survive. The two most powerful words when weamp。39。re in struggle: me too.
　　And so Iamp。39。ll leave you with this thought. If weamp。39。re going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. And I know itamp。39。s seductive to stand outside the arena, because I think I did it my whole life, and think to myself, Iamp。39。m going to go in there and kick some ass when Iamp。39。m bulletproof and when Iamp。39。m perfect. And that is seductive. But the truth is, that never happens. And even if you got as perfect as you could and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster when you got in there, thatamp。39。s not what we want to see. We want you to go in. We want to be with you and across from you. And we just want, for ourselves and the people we care about and the people we work with, to dare greatly.
　　So thank you all very much. I really appreciate
　　it.