【文章內(nèi)容簡介】
atch plans and climb that stairway of popularity, of success. but my skin color wasn39。t right. my hair wasn39。t right. my history wasn39。t right. my self became defined by otherness, which meant that, in that social world, i didn39。t really exist. and i was amp。quot。otheramp。quot。 before being anything else even before being a girl. i was a noticeable nobody. 我在70年代英格蘭海邊長大,我的父親是康沃爾的白人,母親是津巴布韋的黑人。而想象我和父母是一家人對于其他人來說總是不太自然。自然有它自己的魔術(shù),棕色皮膚的寶寶誕生了。但 從我五歲開始,我就有種感覺我不是這個群體的。我是一個全白人天主教會學(xué)校里面黑皮膚無神論小孩。我與他人是不同的,而那個熱衷于歸屬的自我卻到處尋找方式尋找歸屬感。這種認(rèn)同感讓自我感受到存在感和重要性,因此十分重要。這點(diǎn)是如此重要,如果沒有自我,我們根本無法與他人溝通。沒有它,我們無所適從,無法獲取成功或變得受人歡迎。但我的膚色不對,我的頭發(fā)不對,我的過去不對,我的一切都是另類定義的,在這個社會里,我其實并不真實存在。我首先是個異類,其次才是個女孩。我是可見卻毫無意義的人。 another world was opening up around this time: performance and dancing. that nagging dread of selfhood didn39。t exist when i was dancing. i39。d literally lose myself. and i was a really good dancer. i would put all my emotional expression into my dancing. i could be in the movement in a way that i wasn39。t able to be in my real life, in myself. 這時候,另一個世界向我敞開了大門:舞蹈表演。那種關(guān)于自我的嘮叨恐懼在舞蹈時消失了,我放開四肢,也成為了一位不錯的舞者。我將所有的情緒都融入到舞蹈的動作中去,我可以在舞蹈中與自己相溶,盡管在現(xiàn)實生活中卻無法做到。 and at 16, i stumbled across another opportunity, and i earned my first acting role in a film. i can hardly find the words to describe the peace i felt when i was acting. my dysfunctional self could actually plug in to another self, not my own, and it felt so good. it was the first time that i existed inside a fullyfunctioning self one that i controlled, that i steered, that i gave life to. but the shooting day would end, and i39。d return to my gnarly, awkward self. 16歲的時候,我遇到了另一個機(jī)會,第一部參演的電影。我無法用語言來表達(dá)在演戲的時候我所感受到的平和,我無處著落的自我可以與那個角色融為一體,而不是我自己。那感覺真棒。這是第一次我感覺到我擁有一個自我,我