【正文】 建立強(qiáng)大的社區(qū)，人類都是通過與旁人的聯(lián)系找到自我認(rèn)同的，在群體中人們才有生存的愿望，才能學(xué)會愛。相信我，你們可以的。希望你們今后的每一天都充滿快樂充實(shí)，希望你們的每一步都輕松自在沒有痛苦，希望你們會意識到這一切值得感激?，F(xiàn)在，每次我都不錯過。她年輕時走路總是會疼，髖關(guān)節(jié)粉碎性骨折之后每一步都疼痛難忍。上個月有一天，我想到還有11天戴夫逝世就滿周年了，在一個朋友面前忍不住痛哭，當(dāng)時我們還坐在浴室地板上。常懷感激之情是走出悲傷的關(guān)鍵。有一天，我的心理學(xué)家朋友亞當(dāng)?格蘭特建議我換個角度思考，想象事情可能會更糟糕。有時真的不是我的錯，錯的是他們。蓮花123是個電子表格——你們的爸媽可能知道。我們總是覺得當(dāng)前不好的感覺會無限延伸，而且不良情緒還會滋生副產(chǎn)品。那短暫的一瞬讓我明白，生活中還有一些事沒那么糟糕。只有走出過分自責(zé)的陰影，才能盡快恢復(fù)，甚至督促自己做得更好。承擔(dān)責(zé)任是應(yīng)該的，但是痛苦時不要過分情緒化，要清楚一件事，并不是所有的壞事都是自己造成的。戴夫去世幾個星期后，我和我的朋友菲爾談?wù)撘粓鲆赣H參加的親子活動。有時緣盡人散：親密關(guān)系一旦破碎就難重圓。我明白了，即便悲傷至空虛，或是面對巨大挑戰(zhàn)，你仍然可以選擇快樂和有意義的生活。我們?nèi)ツ鞲鐓⒓优笥训?0歲生日聚會。今天我本應(yīng)跟你們分享一些人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)。我還要特別恭喜成為家中第一代大學(xué)生的才俊，你們非常了不起！今天值得慶祝，你們付出了很多努力才走到今天。我的母校（哈佛大學(xué)——譯者注）過了90年后才向女性頒發(fā)第一個學(xué)位。 how could I have?Studies show that getting past personalization can actually make you stronger. Teachers who knew they could do better after students failed adjusted their methods and saw future classes go on to excel. College swimmers who underperformed but believed they were capable of swimming faster did. Not taking failures personally allows us to recover—and even to thrive.The second P is pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of your life. You know that song “Everything is awesome?” This is the flip: “Everything is awful.” There’s no place to run or hide from the allconsuming sadness.The child psychologists I spoke to encouraged me to get my kids back to their routine as soon as possible. So ten days after Dave died, they went back to school and I went back to work. I remember sitting in my first Facebook meeting in a deep, deep haze. All I could think was, “What is everyone talking about and how could this possibly matter?” But then I got drawn into the discussion and for a second—a brief split second—I forgot about death.That brief second helped me see that there were other things in my life that were not awful. My children and I were healthy. My friends and family were so loving and they carried us—quite literally at times.The loss of a partner often has severe negative financial consequences, especially for women. So many single mothers—and fathers—struggle to make ends meet or have jobs that don’t allow them the time they need to care for their children. I had financial security, the ability to take the time off I needed, and a job that I did not just believe in, but where it’s actually OK to spend all day on Facebook. Gradually, my children started sleeping through the night, crying less, playing more.The third P is permanence—the belief that the sorrow will last forever. For months, no matter what I did, it felt like the crushing grief would always be there.We often project our current feelings out indefinitely—and experience what I think of as the second derivative of those feelings. We feel anxious—and then we feel anxious that we’re anxious. We feel sad—and then we feel sad that we’re sad. Instead, we should accept our feelings—but recognize that they will not last forever. My rabbi told me that time would heal but for now I should “l(fā)ean in to the suck.” It was good advice, but not really what I meant by “l(fā)ean in.”None of you need me to explain the fourth P…which is, of course, pizza from Cheese Board.But I wish I had known about the three P’s when I was your age. There were so many times these lessons would have helped.Day one of my first job out of college, my boss found out that I didn’t know how to enter data into Lotus 123. That’s a spreadsheet—ask your parents. His mouth dropped open and he said, ‘I can’t believe you got this job without knowing that”—and then walked out of the room. I went home convinced that I was going to be fired. I thought I was terrible at everything… but it turns out I was only terrible at spreadsheets. Understanding pervasiveness would have saved me a lot of anxiety that week.I wish I had known about permanence when I broke up with boyfriends. It would’ve been a fort to know that feeling was not going to last forever, and if I was being honest with myself… neither were any of those relationships.And I wish I had understood personalization when boyfriends broke up with me. Sometimes it’s not you—it really is them. I mean, that dude never showered.And all three P’s ganged up on me in my twenties after my first marriage ended in divorce. I thought at the