【正文】 Monica: I’m not touching you.Chandler: You’re not?Monica: It’s the salts.Chandler: Oh, sweet Lord. New realms of pleasure!Monica: (To herself) Whatever keeps you off the balcony, big guy!End814 The One With The Secret Closet[Scene: The Hallway, Phoebe walks up to and knocks on Chandler and Monica’s door.]Monica: (opens the door wearing a robe, but leaves the chain on) Hey, what’s up?Phoebe: Well, I left my guitar here again.Monica: Oh, okay. No problem.Phoebe: Okay. (Monica closes the door, gets the guitar, and then hands it out.)Monica: Okay.Phoebe: Oh.Monica: Here you go.Phoebe: Okay. Monica: Okay.Phoebe: Great! Umm…(Monica closes the door again and Phoebe knocks again.)Monica: What?!Phoebe: So do you want to hang out or something?Monica: Phoebe! You kinda caught me at a bad time.Phoebe: Oh are you and Chandler…Monica: Yes! Exactly.Phoebe: Okay. Do you guys want me to play for you?Monica: (laughs) No. (Closes the door as Chandler walks up.)Chandler: Hey Pheebs, what’s up?Phoebe: You ask an intriguing question Chandler Bing.(Chandler lets her into the apartment and reveals that Monica is getting a massage from another woman.)Phoebe: Oh my God! You’re getting a massage! You never let me massage you!!Monica: Phoebe, I can explain!Phoebe: You told me you hate massages!Chandler: Buy stamps, pick up dry cleaning…Don’t let Phoebe in.Phoebe: I can’t believe this! How long as this been going on?Monica: Well umm, Alexandra has been…Phoebe: Oh, it has a name?Monica: Phoebe, don’t get upset!Phoebe: Okay—Oop! Too late! I’m leaving! Come on Chandler let’s go! (She storms out.)Chandler: Well, Phoebe I thought I’d—(Off Phoebe’s look)—Yeah, what the hell. (Exits with Phoebe.)Opening Credits[Scene: Joey’s Bedroom, Joey is having a dream about Rachel giving birth with him as the father.]Joey: Oh okay, okay! One more push! One more push! Come on honey, we’re almost there! We’re almost there!Rachel: Oh Joey, I’m so happy things worked out for us that we’re having this baby together. I love you so much.Joey: Oh, I love you too.Rachel: And I hope it’s not an inappropriate time to say this but, you’re the best sex I ever had.Joey: That’s always appropriate! (Back to the matter at hand) Oh, okay. One more push! One more push!(Finally, the baby is delivered and starts crying.)Doctor: Oh, here is your beautiful baby. Congratulations! (She hands the baby to Joey who pulls down the blanket to reveal Ross’s face where the baby’s should be.)Ross: (crying) I hope you’re a better father than you’re a friend!! (Cries again and Joey wakes up in horror.)Rachel: (bursts into the room) Joey! Joey!Joey: What? What’s going on?Rachel: Come feel this! Come feel my belly!Joey: Aaaah…Rachel: Joey! The baby is kicking for the first time! Will you please e feel this?!Joey: Really?!Rachel: Yes!(Joey starts to get up but stops.)Joey: Oh, y’know what? Maybe uh, you…you should e to me. I’m a not, I’m not wearing any bottoms.Rachel: Oh, okay! (She goes over to him and he feels her belly.)Joey: Oh my, oh my God!Rachel: Aw, it’s unbelievable! Wow! She is kicking so much! Oh, she’s like umm…oh…who’s that kind of annoying girl soccer player?Joey: Mia Hamm?Rachel: Mia Hamm!Joey: Oh that’s amazing. (Drops the sheet.)Rachel: (looking down) Ohoh!! One hand on the sheet Joe!Joey: Whoaheyoh! Sorry![Scene: Monica and Chandler39。s, Monica has opened another wedding present as Chandler enters.]Chandler: Hey babe.Monica: Hi honey. We just got a wedding gift from Bob and Faye Bing。 they don’t like us do they? (They gave them a pokadotted punch bowl.)Chandler: Who says you can’t get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks? Maybe we can take it back?Monica: No, it doesn’t say where it came from. Where would we return it?Chandler: How about to the street say from the balcony?Monica: Why don’t we just find a place for it?Chandler: Okay. How about in that cabinet?Monica: No! That’s where we keep the canned goods! Have you pletely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?Chandler: How about the closet by the bathroom? (The secret green door by the bathroom.)Monica: Oh, okay. Here, why don’t you let me do it?Chandler: Oh nonono, I will do it. Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once and awhile. (Tries the door.) It’s locked, you have to help me. Why is it locked?Monica: No reason. II keep private things in there.Chandler: Oh y’know, I’ve been living here a while and I’ve never seen what’s inside that closet. What is, what is in there?Monica: Feminine stuff.Chandler: Don’t try to make me unfortable with feminine stuff!Monica: Chandler, there is nothing in there that concerns you! If you love me youyou’ll let it go.Chandler: Fine.Monica: Thank you! (He tries the door again and Monica glares at him.)Chandler: (walking casually away) Love you.Phoebe: (entering) Hello Chandler, lovely day huh? (To Monica) You!Chandler: Phoebe if it helps Alexandra has only been massaging Monica for like three years. (Phoebe rolls her eyes and walks away and Monica glares at him.) If! I said, If it helps! (Goes to the bedroom.)Phoebe: Why won’t you let me massage you?Monica: Well it’s…I mean I’d just—I’d be selfconscious. You’re my friend。 I’d be naked.Phoebe: Monica! We lived together for years! I’ve seen you naked!Monica: That’s different, we were roommates! And when?!Phoebe: I’m curious about the human body.Monica: Hey, e on Phoebe, you can understand why this would be weird for me.Phoebe: But I’m a professional! And I’m really good! Look, if you’re unfortable we can stop. Just give me a chance, okay. Please?Monica: Okay, if it means that much to you…Phoebe: It does! How would you feel if you couldn’t share your cooking? Oror imagine how Ross would feel if he couldn’t teach us about dragons.Monica: Dinosaurs.Ph