【正文】 s, he does so daring greatly.　　And thats what this conference, to me, is about. Life is about daring greatly, about being in the arena. When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door, and you think, Im going in and Im going to try this, shame is the gremlin who says, Uh, not good enough. You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you. I know your dad really wasnt in Luxembourg, he was in Sing Sing. I know those things that happened to you growing up. I know you dont think that youre pretty, smart, talented or powerful enough. I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO. Shame is that thing.　　And if we can quiet it down and walk in and say, Im going to do this, we look up and the critic that we see pointing and laughing, 99 percent of the time is who? Us. Shame drives two big tapes never good enough and, if you can talk it out of that one, who do you think you are? The thing to understand about shame is, its not guilt. Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior. Shame is I am bad. Guilt is I did something bad. How many of you, if you did something that was hurtful to me, would be willing to say, Im sorry. I made a mistake? How many of you would be willing to say that? Guilt: Im sorry. I made a mistake. Shame: Im sorry. I am a mistake.　　Theres a huge difference between shame and guilt. And heres what you need to know. Shame is highly, highly correlated with addiction, depression, violence, aggression, bullying, suicide, eating disorders. And heres what you even need to know more. Guilt, inversely correlated with those things. The ability to hold something weve done or failed to do up against who we want to be is incredibly adaptive. Its unfortable, but its adaptive.　　The other thing you need to know about shame is its absolutely organized by gender. If shame washes over me and washes over Chris, its going to feel the same. Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame. Were pretty sure that the only people who dont experience shame are people who have no capacity for connection or empathy. Which means, yes, I have a little shame。 no, Im a sociopath. So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame. Shame feels the same for men and women, but its organized by gender.　　For women, the best example I can give you is Enjoli, the mercial. I can put the wash on the line, pack the lunches, hand out the kisses and be at work at five to nine. I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan and never let you forget youre a man. For women, shame is, do it all, do it perfectly and never let them see you sweat. I dont know how much perfume that mercial sold, but I guarantee you, it moved a lot of antidepressants and antianxiety meds.　　Shame, for women, is this web of unobtainable, conflicting, peting expectations about who were supposed to be. And its a straightjacket.　　For men, shame is not a bunch of peting, conflicting expectations. Shame is one, do not be perceived as what? Weak