【正文】 le putting on a bathing suit. It’s a proven fact. You can do the research on your own time.I actually pulled my groin once a few years ago. I don’t even know how I did it. All I know is when it happened I was right in the middle of auditioning for the Rockettes and it ruined everything. The problem with pulling your groin, besides pulling your groin, is that there isn’t a delicate way to treat it. Whenever I pull a muscle in my back, I get a massage to make it feel better. When you pull a muscle in your groinal region, it’s much trickier. You can’t ask a stranger to massage it. That’s why I had to ask my gardener to do it. And I’ll be honest—at first it was awkward. But then it was beautiful.We have to take care of ourselves as we age and that includes getting procedures done that are invasive, unfortable, and at times what many would refer to as “third date territory.” One of those procedures is a colonoscopy. I had my first routine colonoscopy after I turned fifty. I’m sure you all know what it entails, but if you don’t I’ll explain it as best I can. Basically, a colonoscopy is a procedure where a camera starts downtown and travels uptown on the C train. In Los Angeles, they do it a little bitdifferently. They attach cameras to teeny, tiny paparazzi who head up there and take thousands of pictures of your colon that later end up on TMZ.I didn’t know exactly what to expect when I went in for my colonoscopy. First of all, because of my work schedule, I had to get mine done on a Saturday. Luckily, there’s a little kiosk in the mall that does colonoscopies and ear piercing on the weekends.The first thing I had to do when I got there was put on a gown. I think it was a Zac Posen. I don’t normally wear gowns, but this was a beautiful one—open in the back andslightly off the shoulder. They made me take everything off except my socks. I guess they let you keep those on so that you don’t feel totally naked. As it turns out, even with socks on you still feel totally and pletely naked. I don’t know what they’re thinking. Socks or no socks, all the important parts are still out and about.After I was in my gown and socks, the doctor came in and greeted me. She was also wearing a gown so I tried to make a joke like, “Hey, isn’t it embarrassing that we’rewearing the same gown?” She laughed but she was holding a needle at the time, so it suddenly felt like a scenefrom Misery. Right away she started to give me sleepytime drugs. That’s the medical term. And all I remember after the sleepytime drugs is saying, “I gotta get—” and that’s it. I was out for the rest of the procedure. When you wake up, it’s a little disorienting. You’re not sure where you are. Katie Couric is there with a film crew. It’s jarring. But it’s necessary and I’m glad I did it.Another routine procedure that every woman needs to get is a mammogram. Now, the word “mammogram” makes it sound like it’s going to be a fun experience. You think a cute little grandma is going to show up at your door to sing you a happy birthday song or something. Unfortunately, that is not the case. A mammogram is less like a fun song and more like an industrialstrength Panini press.The difference between a colonoscopy and a mammogram—well, there are a few differences obviously. One takes place above the equator and one takes place below it. But the other difference is that with a mammogram you are fully aware of what is going on. You don’t need any drugs to knock you out because it’s not a painful procedure.It’s just unfortable and awkward, especially given the fact that you are standing face to face with the technician working the machine. At least, it’s awkward for me anyway because inevitably I have to make small talk. “Yep, I do dance a lot… No, not all the time… Well, I’m a big fan of your mom, so thank you, that’s nice to hear.” I cannot believe they haven’t yet e up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would e up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, “Put that thing there so I can crush it.”I’m getting away from my point. My point is, these tests are very important. And I don’t mind telling you all about my groin, my colon, and my breasts if it means helping you take care of yourself. I just thought of something else I could share with you. Would you like to hear about one of my moles? No. Okay. Moving on.附錄2 譯文第一章情人眼里出西施。美不在臉上，重在心里美。在我的大半生里，我一直相信，真正的美，跟你的頭發(fā)和眼睛是什么顏色并沒有關(guān)系。而真正的美關(guān)乎于你是一個什么樣的人，你的做人原則和你的道德準(zhǔn)則。在2008年，我終于成功的戒掉了說廢話的毛病，因為我有了新的稱號——封面女郎。閃光燈下，化妝品，各種飾品，通通都閃開！素顏臉頰，我就是第一美女?。ㄩW光燈下，我的頭從一側(cè)偏向另一側(cè)，就這樣擺著姿勢，像極了超級名模。在這么“貴重”而又“不可思譯”的書中，只放了一張迷你版的圖片，其余的需要大家想象了，對此我深感抱歉！ 事實上，我覺得所有超越于物質(zhì)之上的東西，最重要的還是內(nèi)在美——一顆包容的心，一個開拓的思維，還有一個健康的身體。（事實上，大多數(shù)人的內(nèi)心世界是非常不堪的，即使那些長的非常漂亮的人，他的內(nèi)心也有可能是非常丑陋的。你看過探索頻道里的外科手術(shù)嘛？真的不怎么樣！）我認(rèn)為，當(dāng)別人知道了你是怎樣的人，自己能有舒服的感覺時，這就是美。我很慶幸成為現(xiàn)在這樣自信、誠實、真誠的自己。我成為了第一個五十歲的封面女郎，或許正是因為這些品質(zhì)，我才有了這樣的成就。或許，這也是我藍(lán)色深邃眼神所的帶來的殊榮。但是我們處在一個物欲橫流的社會中，大家的注意力幾乎都集中在了外表。偶然的一次，我看到了一面鏡子，它可以將你的臉放大五百倍。在衛(wèi)浴用具的批發(fā)市場的走廊上有很多這樣的鏡子，走過那里，它們會讓你有自己很糟糕的感覺。我相信，在某種程度上，或者某一方面，你已經(jīng)有了那種站在鏡子面前的糟糕感了。另外，還有一種看似普通的鏡子，當(dāng)你把它反過來看到鏡中的自己時，你會發(fā)現(xiàn)你的臉像月球表面一樣粗糙。在我和波西亞的浴室里有一面這樣的鏡子，但是我從來不看它。因為它通常照到的人都是正在洗澡的我。一天，我迫不得已看到了鏡中的自己，我驚呼到：“哦，天吶，多么恐怖的作品，是誰創(chuàng)作了她？為什么他沒有被抓緊看守所？像這樣恐怖作品出世之前應(yīng)該有所提醒的?！北热缙嚨姆垂忡R會提醒到：隨后的車子比鏡中離你更近。放大鏡會提醒到：“物體并不像原狀那樣完美有吸引力?！眲e人在你眼前展示的東西，其實你并不知道它過去是什么樣子，也永遠(yuǎn)不可能知道。透過我的發(fā)際線，我發(fā)現(xiàn)一些令人吃驚的鴿派式家庭。他們都是很棒的操縱者和珠寶商，我想唯一可以近距離接近他們的只有外科醫(yī)生了。就像這樣，沒有人會看到鏡中的你，除非你嫁給了一個外科醫(yī)生或者珠寶商，他們會帶著那些觀察工具回到家：“親愛的，我回來了。哦天哪，你的毛孔好大啊?！蔽也恢罏槭裁创蠹視谝鈩e人的評論，況且別人說的也都不是正確的。雖然他們會指出我們每個人的缺點，但是沒有一個人是完美的，當(dāng)然除了佩內(nèi)洛普科魯茲。正是因為這些缺點，才使我們每個人各有千秋。如果我們每個人都能夠很坦然的接受自身的缺點，那么缺點就不會再是一個令人煩惱的難題。對于年齡的問題，我也是抱著同樣的態(tài)度面對的。我從來沒有對誰隱瞞過我的年齡，也很不解為什么要隱瞞自己的年齡。實際上，讓我更不解的是，在互聯(lián)網(wǎng)這么發(fā)達(dá)的時代，人們是怎樣一次又一次的隱瞞他們的真實年齡的呢？出生地、生辰、或者母親在哪家醫(yī)院用了多長時間生下了我，這些都可以輕松在網(wǎng)上找到。如果某一天，在某個視頻網(wǎng)站上出現(xiàn)了我剛剛出生時，醫(yī)生拍打著我的視頻，我一點兒也不會驚訝。但是有個問題，就是，我出生的年代里還沒有視頻網(wǎng)站這東西。年齡是一個我們完全無法控制的事實。我喜歡隨著年齡的增長，每天在錯誤中學(xué)習(xí)，然后變得越來越睿智。比如，在我四十二歲的時候，我經(jīng)常會吃到漿糊，但是現(xiàn)在就不會了；同樣令我開心的是，在