【文章內(nèi)容簡(jiǎn)介】 py. And if we used to divorce because we were unhappy, today we divorce because we could be happier. And if divorce carried all the shame, today, choosing to stay when you can leave is the new shame. So Heather, she canamp。39。t talk to her friends because sheamp。39。s afraid that they will judge her for still loving Nick, and everywhere she turns, she gets the same advice: Leave him. Throw the dog on the curb. And if the situation were reversed, Nick would be in the same situation. Staying is the new shame.
　　但是我們又發(fā)現(xiàn)了另外一個(gè)矛盾。 因?yàn)榍懊嬲f(shuō)到的浪漫遐想， 我們極度依賴(lài)自己伴侶的忠誠(chéng)。 但同時(shí)，我們比以前也更容易出軌， 并不是因?yàn)槲覀冇辛诵碌挠?而是我們現(xiàn)在所處的時(shí)代， 讓我們覺(jué)得有權(quán)利去追求自己的欲望， 這就是我們的文化特點(diǎn)：我有權(quán)快樂(lè)。 如果過(guò)去離婚是因?yàn)槲覀儾豢鞓?lè)， 那現(xiàn)在離婚是因?yàn)槲覀兛梢愿鞓?lè)。 如果在過(guò)去，離婚是不光彩的， 那今天，能離婚而不離婚， 才是不光彩。 所以希瑟，不敢告訴自己的朋友， 她害怕朋友們責(zé)怪她還愛(ài)著尼克， 無(wú)論她找誰(shuí)傾訴，大家都勸她： 離開(kāi)他吧，大家各走各路。 如果出軌的是希瑟， 相信尼克的處境也會(huì)一樣。 維持婚姻成了不光彩的事。
　　So if we can divorce, why do we still have affairs? Now, the typical assumption is that if someone cheats, either thereamp。39。s something wrong in your relationship or wrong with you. But millions of people canamp。39。t all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
　　那如果我們能離婚，那為什么還要出軌呢? 一種典型的觀點(diǎn)是，如果你出軌，要么是婚姻出了毛病，要么是你自己出了毛病。但是不可能成千上萬(wàn)的人 全都有毛病吧。這一觀點(diǎn)的邏輯是這樣的：如果你的家庭完美無(wú)缺，那就沒(méi)必要出軌了，假設(shè)完美婚姻確實(shí)存在，能治好我們愛(ài)出軌的毛病。但如果激情無(wú)法持久呢?如果有些東西，即使在完美的婚姻中，也無(wú)法找到呢?如果幸福的人也出軌呢?這又是怎么回事?
　　The vast majority of people that I actually work with are not at all chronic philanderers. They are often people who are deeply monogamous in their beliefs, and at least for their partner. But they find themselves in a conflict between their values and their behavior. They often are people who have actually been faithful for decades, but one day they cross a line that they never thought they would cross, and at the risk of losing everything. But for a glimmer of what? Affairs are an act of betrayal, and they are also an expression of longing and loss. At the heart of an affair, you will often find a longing and a yearning for an emotional connection, for novelty, for freedom, for autonomy, for sexual intensity, a wish to recapture lost parts of ourselves or an attempt to bring back vitality in the face of loss and tragedy.
　　我接觸和研究過(guò)的絕大多數(shù)人， 并不全都是積習(xí)難改的好色之徒。 從觀念上，他們通常贊同一夫一妻制， 至少對(duì)自己的另一半是如此。 但他們往往處于一種矛盾之中， 就是觀念和做法不一樣。 他們通常忠誠(chéng)了幾十年， 但突然有天就跨過(guò)了紅線， 冒著失去一切的風(fēng)險(xiǎn)， 這在之前他們連想都不敢想。 但換來(lái)的是什么呢? 婚外情是一種背叛行為， 同時(shí)也是對(duì)于渴望和失去的一種表達(dá)。 透過(guò)出軌的表象，我們經(jīng)常能看到 一種尋求情感聯(lián)系的渴望， 追求新奇、自由、自立和性快感， 渴望找回失去的自我， 或者是試圖走出失意和悲傷。
　　Iamp。39。m thinking about another patient of mine, Priya, who is blissfully married, loves her husband, and would never want to hurt the man. But she also tells me that sheamp。39。s always done what was expected of her: good girl, good wife, good mother, taking care of her immigrant parents. Priya, she fell for the arborist who removed the tree from her yard after Hurricane Sandy. And with his truck and his tattoos, heamp。39。s quite the opposite of her. But at 47, Priyaamp。39。s affair is about the adolescence that she never had. And her story highlights for me that when we seek the gaze of another, it isnamp。39。t always our partner that we are turning away from, but the person that we have ourselves bee. And it isnamp。39。t so much that weamp。39。re looking for another person, as much as we are looking for another self.
　　我想起了我的另一個(gè)病人，普莉婭， 她婚姻美滿， 深?lèi)?ài)著自己的丈夫， 從未想過(guò)要傷害他。 但她跟我說(shuō)， 她總是在扮演別人期望的那個(gè)角色： 好女孩，好妻子，好母親， 照顧自己移民過(guò)來(lái)的父母。 但在桑迪颶風(fēng)來(lái)襲之后， 普莉婭愛(ài)上了那個(gè)幫她清理院子中 殘破樹(shù)木的工人。 他開(kāi)著卡車(chē)，紋著紋身， 跟她完全是兩個(gè)世界的人。 盡管出軌時(shí)已經(jīng)47歲， 但普莉婭找回了從未有過(guò)的青春。 她的故事告訴我， 當(dāng)我們尋找情人的時(shí)候， 并不一定是想逃離現(xiàn)在的伴侶， 而是想逃離那個(gè)曾經(jīng)的自己。 與其說(shuō)我們?cè)趯ふ夷敲匆粋€(gè)人， 不如說(shuō)我們?cè)趯ふ伊硪粋€(gè)自己。
　　Now, all over the world, there is one word that people who have affairs always tell me. They feel alive. And they often will tell me stories of recent losses of a parent who died, and a friend that went too soon, and bad news at the doctor. Death and mortality often live in the shadow of an affair, because they raise these questions. Is this it? Is there more? Am I going on for another 25 years like this