【正文】 第一篇：孔雀東南飛英語搞笑短劇劇本焦仲卿johnny(j for short)劉蘭芝lunch(l for short)焦母johnny’s mother(jm for short)劉母lunch’s mother(lm for short)太守之子mayor’s son(ms for short)強盜burglars(a b and c)prologue 序幕(j作被打狀跑上臺,內砸出一卷紙筒,j被打中,狼狽不堪)j:everybody says that i’m hen pecked, but in fact,i’m a strong tiger,(小聲)while my wife is ：人人都說我怕老婆，實際上我是老虎，（小聲）我妻子是武松。(指著上臺處的門大聲道)i’m not afraid of you!譯：我才不怕你呢！(內砸出一臉盆,j接住當成盾牌護著頭)then, i’m afraid of whom!my wife lunchi is the most famous woman in the is braver than me, smarter than me and stronger than this i do not only want her to be tenderer than she is not!having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!譯：誰怕誰??！在鄰里中，我妻子是最有名氣的。她比我勇敢、比我聰明、比我強壯。我也不在乎這些。我只覺得她該對我溫柔些，但是她卻不懂溫柔！有這樣的太太就像活在地獄中??！(內又砸出一卷紙筒,擊中j)my god!who can help me?(下)譯：我的天！誰來救救我??？ act1 第一幕(序幕結束時,jm作竊聽狀)jm(拄拐棍上):i can!(對門內)lunch!lunch!where are you? l(扎著圍裙,拿著鍋鏟,從門內跳出來):i’m here!what’s up，mum? jm:i have told you again and again that you should call me “my most beautiful graceful and dearest motherinlaw”.l: most beautiful graceful and dearest motherinlaw, what’s up?jm:since you married my son you have behaved so have been so rude, so brusque,so lazy…… l:but……jm:never interrupt me!l:never interrupt me!since i married your son, that terrible johnny, i have been working hard all day long, cooking and have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken and……jm: but all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!l(生氣地揮動著鍋鏟):oh, you want a grandson, don’t you?(開始解圍裙)go and ask your ’m leaving!(扯下圍裙,扔在jm的臉上,下)act2(lm坐在臺上打毛線,l拿著鍋鏟上)l: mum, i’m back!lm: you are back?why? what happened? l:i was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–(驚訝,但隨即露出幸災樂禍的神情):see!i have already told you!when you insisted on marrying that terrible johnny, i told you that he is ugly, stupid and poor, but you did not listen to at yourself…… l: but, mum…… lm: never interrupt me!l: mum, i’m not interrupting just want to tell you that you are always right ok? And i’ll marry whomever you want me (大喜): nice girl!just now, i met the mayor’s son in the said, “if your daughter haven’t been married, i really really want to marry her!” now you are free again, i ’ll go and tell him.(下)l(驚愕): what? the mayor’s son? the most famous playboy in the neighborhood?(手中的鍋鏟掉在地上)what a silly thing i have done!(下)act3(j睡眼惺忪上)j(邊走邊道): lunch!lunch!where are my socks?(走了幾步,在地上撿起襪子)here they are!(聞一下)er!how smelly!they are still dirty!(突然想起)lunch has gone!i have to wash them myself.(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起來)oh, i’m so hungry!but there’s no breakfast!(撿起地上的圍裙)this is what lunch always wears!i miss her so much, and her excellent cooking skill!Now she has have to cook for my mother and (上): where’s my breakfast? where’s lunch? hasn’t she got up yet? j: mum, can’t you remember? lunch has gone!jm(沉吟片刻): well, to tell you the truth johnny, a son without a wife is is a nice girl, go and take her back!j(立正敬禮): yes madam!act4(j開心地走著，忽然跳出來三個強盜)a: hey you!stop and listen to us!the road is built by me!(抬腳重重地踩在一塊大石頭上)b: and i planted one tree!(亦抬腳踩在同一塊石頭上)c: if you want to go by this street(欲踩石頭，但踩到了a的腳)abamp。c: give us all your money!j(搜遍了每一個口袋，掏出1角硬幣):is 1mao enough?(三強盜暈倒狀，接著三人聚在一邊商量)a: what bad luck!this guy is broken!b: if we cannot rob any money today, we will have nothing to eat tonight!c: i heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry miss liu lanzhi next can go and rob the wedding!aamp。b: good idea!j(驚訝): what? what? lunch is going to get married? it’s impossible!abamp。c: why? a pretty girl and a rich man, what a good couple!j: but lunch is my wife!we haven’t got divorced yet!(突然有了主意)i’ve got an idea!you are going to rob the wedding, don’t you? i’ll go with take the money and i take the : have you got any experience? j: i’ve g