【正文】 101 The One Where Monica Gets a New Roommate (The PilotThe Uncut Version)[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica are there.]Monica: There39。s nothing to tell! He39。s just some guy I work with!Joey: C39。mon, you39。re going out with the guy! There39。s gotta be something wrong with him!Chandler: All right Joey, be nice. So does he have a hump? A hump and a hairpiece?Phoebe: Wait, does he eat chalk?(They all stare, bemused.)Phoebe: Just, 39。cause, I don39。t want her to go through what I went through with Carl oh!Monica: Okay, everybody relax. This is not even a date. It39。s just two people going out to dinner and not having sex.Chandler: Sounds like a date to me.　[Time Lapse]Chandler: Alright, so I39。m back in high school, I39。m standing in the middle of the cafeteria, and I realize I am totally naked.All: Oh, yeah. Had that dream.Chandler: Then I look down, and I realize there39。s a phone... there.Joey: Instead of...?Chandler: That39。s right.Joey: Never had that dream.Phoebe: No.Chandler: All of a sudden, the phone starts to ring. Now I don39。t know what to do, everybody starts looking at me. Monica: And they weren39。t looking at you before?!Chandler: Finally, I figure I39。d better answer it, and it 　turns out it39。s my mother, which is veryvery weird, because she never calls me![Time Lapse, Ross has entered.]Ross: (mortified) Hi.Joey: This guy says hello, I wanna kill myself.Monica: Are you okay, sweetie?Ross: I just feel like someone reached down my throat, grabbed my small intestine, pulled it out of my mouth and tied it around my neck...Chandler: Cookie?Monica: (explaining to the others) Carol moved her stuff out today. Joey: Ohh.Monica: (to Ross) Let me get you some coffee.Ross: Thanks.Phoebe: Ooh! Oh! (She starts to pluck at the air just in 　front of Ross.)Ross: No, no don39。t! Stop cleansing my aura! No, just leave my aura alone, okay?Phoebe: Fine! Be murky!Ross: I39。ll be fine, alright? Really, everyone. I hope she39。ll be very happy.Monica: No you don39。t.Ross: No I don39。t, to hell with her, she left me!Joey: And you never knew she was a lesbian...Ross: No!! Okay?! Why does everyone keep fixating on that? She didn39。t know, how should I know?Chandler: Sometimes I wish I was a lesbian... (They all 　stare at him.) Did I say that out loud?Ross: I told mom and dad last night, they seemed to take it pretty well.Monica: Oh really, so that hysterical phone call I got from a woman at sobbing 3:00 ., I39。ll never have grandchildren, I39。ll never have grandchildren. was what? A wrong number?Ross: Sorry.Joey: Alright Ross, look. You39。re feeling a lot of pain right now. You39。re angry. You39。re hurting. Can I tell you what the answer is?(Ross gestures his consent.)Joey: Strip joint! C39。mon, you39。re single! Have some 　hormones!Ross: I don39。t want to be single, okay? I just... I just I just wanna be married again!(Rachel enters in a wet wedding dress and starts to search the room.)Chandler: And I just want a million dollars! (He extends his hand hopefully.)Monica: Rachel?!Rachel: Oh God Monica hi! Thank God! I just went to your building and you weren39。t there and then this guy with a big hammer said you might be here and you are, you are!Waitress: Can I get you some coffee?Monica: (pointing at Rachel) Decaff. (to All) Okay, everybody, this is Rachel, another Lincoln High survivor. 　(to Rachel) This is everybody, this is Chandler, and Phoebe, and Joey, and you remember my brother Ross? Rachel: Hi, sure!Ross: Hi. (They go to hug but Ross39。s umbrella opens. He sits back down defeated again. A moment of silence follows as Rachel sits and the others expect her to explain.)Monica: So you wanna tell us now, or are we waiting for four wet bridesmaids?Rachel: Oh God... well, it started about a half hour before the wedding. I was in the room where we were keeping all the presents, and I was looking at this gravy boat. This 　really gorgeous Lamauge gravy boat. When all of a sudden (to the waitress that brought her coffee)Sweet 39。n39。 Lo? I realized that I was more turned on by this gravy boat than by Barry! And then I got really freaked out, and that39。s when it hit me: how much Barry looks like Mr. Potato Head. Y39。know, I mean, I always knew looked familiar, but... Anyway, I just had to get out of there, and I started wondering 39。Why am I doing this, and who am I doing this for?39。. (to Monica) So anyway I just didn39。t know where to go, and I know that you and I have kinda drifted apart, but you39。re the only person I knew who lived here in the city.Monica: Who wasn39。t invited to the wedding.Rachel: Ooh, I was kinda hoping that wouldn39。t be an issue... [Scene: Monica39。s Apartment, everyone is there and watching a Spanish Soap on TV and are trying to figure out what is going on.]Monica: Now I39。m guessing that he bought her the big pipe organ, and she39。s really not happy about it. Chandler: (imitating the characters) Tuna or egg salad? Decide!Ross: (in a deep voice) I39。ll have whatever Christine is having.Rachel: (on phone) Daddy, I just... I can39。t marry him! I39。m sorry. I just don39。t love him. Well, it matters to me! (The scene on TV has changed to show two women, one is holding her hair.)Phoebe: If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off. Chandler: (re TV) Ooh, she should not be wearing those pants. Joey: I say push her down the stairs. Phoebe, Ross, Chandler, and Joey: Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs! Push her down the stairs!(She is pushed down the stairs and everyone cheers.)Rachel: C39。mon Daddy, listen to me! It39。s like, it39。s like, all of my life, everyone has always told me, 39。You39。re a shoe! You39。re a shoe, you39。re a shoe, you39。re a shoe!39。. And today I just stopped and I said, 39。What if I don39。t wanna be a shoe? What if I wanna be a a purse, y39。know? Or a or a hat! No, I39。m not saying I want you to buy me a hat, I39。m saying I am a ha It39。s a metaphor, Daddy!Ross: You can see where he39。d have trouble.