【正文】 t kill you makes you stronger.” But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is Nietzsche should have said is “Whatever doesn39。t be afraid to fail.” Well now I39。m here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I39。t e course I39。s tough out there, so be only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug , you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out one of the reasons it39。, I have to tell you this:You will spend more money framing your child39。t seen them in four , now you are about to see them every day when they e out of the basement to tell you the wifi isn39。t let those bastards do finally, under “The Conan Doctrine,” all mencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the class of 2011 rules!Besides policy, another hallmark of great mencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.” Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty , I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few , adult ae lasts longer than you almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my , this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing 39。s master39。d be getting an honorary degree at how awesome that would are a great school, and you deserve a historic mencement 39。t know the second verse to “Dear Old Dartmouth.” Face it, none of you all mumble that I had gone to Dartmouth, I39。ve always had a special bond with this fact, this is my second time ing I was 17 years old and touring colleges, way back in the fall of 1980, I came to was a very different place back made the trip up from Boston on a mule and, after asking the blacksmith in West Leb for directions, I came to this beautiful dormitories had been built yet, so I stayed with a family of fur traders in White River snowed heavily during my visit and I was trapped here for four was forced to eat the mule, who a week earlier had been forced to eat the fur , I loved Dartmouth and I vowed to fate dealt a heavy no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local muter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth? If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I39。t even think you deserve a real 39。re all tired of hearing about it: The man rhymed fafloozle with the literary munity, that39。re going to say, well “We39。 Valedictory Address by your esteemed classmate, Count course, your greatest fictitious graduate is Treasury Secretary Timothy , can you imagine if a real Treasury Secretary made those kinds of decisions? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I know what you39。ve done my college was named after the Second Earl of Dartmouth, a good friend of the Third Earl of UC Santa Cruz and the Duke of the Barbizon School of school motto is “Vox clamantis in deserto,” which means “Voice crying out in the wilderness.” This is easily the most pathetic school motto I have ever , it narrowly beat out “Silently Weeping in Thick Shrub” and “Whimpering in Moist Leaves without Pants.” Your school color is green, and this color was chosen by Frederick Mather in 1867 because, and this is true—I looked it up—“it was the only color that had not been taken already.” I cannot remember hearing anything so , you have an inferiority plex, and you should have graduated more great fictitious Americans than any other Grey of Grey39。s ice cream is made.” But don39。m in the state that39。s 100 Most Influential People in God, man, what the hell are you pensating for? get 39。m talking about dropout losers like Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, and Mark , speaking of , only at Harvard would someone have to invent a massive social network just to talk with someone in the next first job as your mencement speaker is to illustrate that life is not example, you have worked tirelessly for four years to earn the diploma you’ll be receiving this was Dartmouth is giving me the same degree for interviewing the fourth lead in with example that life is not fair: if it does rain, the powerful rich people on stage get the with would like to thank President Kim for inviting me here my phone call with President Kim, I decided to find out a little bit about the goes by President Kim and his friends, he39。ve never been this cold in my will pay anyone here $300 for GORETEX 39。前半部分有很多搞笑串場(chǎng)，后半部分柯南跟大家分享了自己的經(jīng)歷和人生經(jīng)驗(yàn)：正是那些既定想法的失敗，才使我們成為獨(dú)一無二的人！以下是演講全文：I39。you never get your sea legs。第一篇：《實(shí)習(xí)醫(yī)生格蕾》編劇萊梅斯在達(dá)特茅斯學(xué)院畢業(yè)典禮上的演講(視頻+文本)President Hanlon, faculty, staff, honored guests, parents, students, families and friends—good morning and congratulations to the Dartmouth graduating class of 2014! is giving a general, I do not like giving a speech requires standing in front of large groups of people while they look at you and it also requires can do the standing part the you looking and the me talking...I am not a get this overwhelming feeling of , mouth, heart beats superfast, everything gets a little bit slow I might pass poop my pants or mean, don’t ’m not going to pass out or die or poop my because just by telling you that it could happen, I have somehow neutralized it as an as if saying it out loud casts some kind of spell where now it cannot possibly happen could is now also off the ’re , the point do not like to give ’m a ’m a TV like to write stuff for other people to actually contemplated bringing Ellen Pompeo or Kerry Washington here to say my speech for me...but my lawyer pointed out that when you drag someone across