【正文】 loved Dartmouth and I vowed to fate dealt a heavy no money, I was forced to enroll in a small, local muter school, a pulsating sore on a muddy elbow of the Charles was a miserable wretch, and to this day I cannot help but wonder: What if I had gone to Dartmouth? If I had gone to Dartmouth, I might have spent at least some of my college years outside and today I might not be allergic to all plant life, as well as most types of I had gone to Dartmouth, right now I39。d be wearing a fleece thong instead of a lace I had gone to Dartmouth, I still wouldn39。t know the second verse to “Dear Old Dartmouth.” Face it, none of you all mumble that I had gone to Dartmouth, I39。d have a liver the size and consistency of a bean bag , if I had gone to Dartmouth, today I39。d be getting an honorary degree at how awesome that would are a great school, and you deserve a historic mencement 39。s right, I want my message today to be forever remembered because it changed the do this, I must suggest groundbreaking Churchill gave his famous “Iron Curtain” speech at Westminster College in outlined his nuclear disarmament policy at American University in , I would like to set forth my own policy here at Dartmouth: I call it “The Conan Doctrine.” Under “The Conan Doctrine”:All bachelor degrees will be upgraded to master39。s master39。s degrees will be upgraded to all MBA students will be immediately transferred to a white collar “The Conan Doctrine,” Winter Carnival will bee Winter Carnivale and be moved to will be optional, all expenses paid by the Alumni nickname, the Big Green, will be changed to something more kickass like “The Jade Blade,” the “Seafoam Avenger,” or simply “LimeZilla.”The DPlan and “quarter system” will finally be updated to “the one sixtyfourth system.” Semesters will last three will be encouraged to take 48 semesters must, however, be on campus during their Sophomore 4th of “The Conan Doctrine,” I will reinstate I will punish those who tried to replace it with and beer are a much better bination than a field and a happen to know that in two years, they were going to downgrade Fieldstock to Deskstock, seven hours of fun sitting quietly at your 39。t let those bastards do finally, under “The Conan Doctrine,” all mencement speakers who shamelessly pander with cheap, inside references designed to get childish applause, will be forced to apologize—to the greatest graduating class in the history of the class of 2011 rules!Besides policy, another hallmark of great mencement speeches is deep, profound advice like “reach for the stars.” Well today, I am not going to waste your time with empty , I am going to give you real, practical advice that you will need to know if you are going to survive the next few , adult ae lasts longer than you almost cancelled two days ago because I had a zit on my , this is important: You cannot iron a shirt while wearing 39。s another you live on Ramen Noodles for too long, you lose all feelings in your hands and your stool bees a white finally, wearing colorful Converse hightops beneath your graduation robe is a great way to tell your classmates that this is just the first of many horrible decisions you plan to make with the rest of your course there are many parents here and I have real advice for them as , you should write this down:Many of your children you haven39。t seen them in four , now you are about to see them every day when they e out of the basement to tell you the wifi isn39。t your child majored in fine arts or philosophy, you have good reason to be only place where they are now really qualified to get a job is ancient luck with that traffic today on East Wheelock is going to be murder, so once they start handing out diplomas, you should slip out in the middle of the K39。, I have to tell you this:You will spend more money framing your child39。s diploma than they will earn in the next six 39。s tough out there, so be only people hiring right now are Panera Bread and Mexican drug , you parents must be patient because it is indeed a grim job market out one of the reasons it39。s so tough finding work is that aging baby boomers refuse to leave their me on when they promise you for five years that they are going to leave—and say it on television—I mean you can go on YouTube right now and watch the guy do it, there is no guarantee they won39。t e course I39。m speaking is not a time for grim prognostications or , I came here today because, believe it or not, I actually do have something real to tell years ago I gave an address to a graduating class at have not spoken at a graduation since because I thought I had nothing left to then 2010 now I39。m here, three thousand miles from my home, because I learned a hard but profound lesson last year and I39。d like to share it with 2000, I told graduates “Don39。t be afraid to fail.” Well now I39。m here to tell you that, though you should not fear failure, you should do your very best to avoid famously said “Whatever doesn39。t kill you makes you stronger.” But what he failed to stress is that it almost kills stings and, for driven, successful people like yourselves it is Nietzsche should have said is “Whatever doesn39。t kill you, makes you watch a lot of Cartoon Network and drink midprice Chardonnay at 11 in the morning.” Now, by definition, Commencement speakers at an Ivy League college are considered a little over a year ago, I experienced a profound and very public did not get what I wanted, and I left a system that had nurtured and helped define me for the better part of 17 went from being in the center of the grid to not only off the grid, but underneath the coffee table that the grid sits on, lost in the shag carpeting that is underneath the coffee table supporting the was the making of a career disaster, and a terrible then something spectacular , with no pass, and adrift, I started trying grew a strange, cinnamon dove into the world of social started tweeting my