【正文】 that quite a lot of people who have affairs may feel terribly guilty for hurting their partner, but they donamp。s his responsibility to bring it up, because if he thinks about it, he can relieve Heather from the obsession, and from having to make sure that the affair isnamp。然而事實(shí)上，我注意到，很多出軌的人，也許對(duì)于傷害他們的另一半懷有愧疚，但對(duì)于出軌行為本身毫無(wú)悔意。這是尼克的責(zé)任，因?yàn)樗靼字挥羞@樣，他才能幫希瑟走出陰影， 讓希瑟不必再拿出軌說(shuō)事兒，這樣信任才能慢慢恢復(fù)。39。 但婚外情不會(huì)消失， 它將一直存在。(肉體)出軌只是傷害伴侶的方式之一。ve listened to me, and I know what youamp。re wrong. I am not French. (Laughter) (Applause) And Iamp。ve been asked since I arrived at this conference when I said I would talk about infidelity is, for or against? I said, amp。
　　聽(tīng)我說(shuō)了這么多， 我知道你們?cè)谙胧裁矗?她有法國(guó)口音，她肯定是個(gè)出軌老手。 但是因?yàn)槲医?jīng)常說(shuō)， 婚外情也有好的方面， 所以經(jīng)常會(huì)有人問(wèn)我一個(gè)奇怪的問(wèn)題： 你有建議過(guò)別人出軌嗎? 我當(dāng)然不建議你們出軌， 就像我不建議你們得癌癥一樣， 盡管我們知道，有些患絕癥的人 經(jīng)常說(shuō)疾病讓他們 對(duì)世界有了新的看法。(既贊成又反對(duì))
　　I look at affairs from a dual perspective: hurt and betrayal on one side, growth and selfdiscovery on the other what it did to you, and what it meant for me. And so when a couple es to me in the aftermath of an affair that has been revealed, I will often tell them this: Today in the West, most of us are going to have two or three relationships or marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?Thank you.
　　我將婚外情一分為二來(lái)看： 一方面是傷害和背叛， 另一方面是成長(zhǎng)和自我發(fā)現(xiàn)。
。 當(dāng)婚外情被發(fā)現(xiàn)， 夫妻倆來(lái)找我， 我經(jīng)常會(huì)告訴他們： 今天在西方社會(huì)， 大部分人會(huì)有3段戀情， 或者婚姻， 其中有些人是跟同一個(gè)人一起經(jīng)歷的。是的。 我不是法國(guó)人。Yes.amp。m not proaffair. But because I think that good can e out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question: Would I ever remend it? Now, I would no more remend you have an affair than I would remend you have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has yielded them a new perspective. The main question that Iamp。re thinking: She has a French accent, she must be proaffair. (Laughter) So, youamp。
　　Now, youamp。 一段婚姻中的背叛可以有很多種形式。39。 但更重要的是， 不要去糾結(jié)出軌的細(xì)節(jié)： 你們都去過(guò)哪里?在哪里做過(guò)? 多久見(jiàn)一次面?她在床上是不是比我棒? 這些問(wèn)題只會(huì)帶來(lái)更多痛苦， 讓你徹夜難眠。對(duì)尼克來(lái)說(shuō)，他需要維持這段婚姻。t forgotten, and that in itself begins to restore trust.
　　那么當(dāng)婚外情曝光之后，作為夫妻的當(dāng)事人具體應(yīng)該怎么辦呢?我們知道要想治療創(chuàng)傷，犯錯(cuò)者首先應(yīng)該承認(rèn)錯(cuò)誤。t feel guilty for the experience of the affair itself. And that distinction is important. And Nick, he needs to hold vigil for the relationship. He needs to bee, for a while, the protector of the boundaries. Itamp。勃勃， 而他們完全搞不懂這是為什么。 之前毫無(wú)”。39。39。你以為我就不想得到更多嗎? 但我并沒(méi)有踏出這一步。 實(shí)際上，大部分經(jīng)歷了 婚外情的夫妻最后仍然在一起。 But now that the affair is exposed, they, too, get to claim more, and they no longer have to uphold the status quo that may not have been working for them that well, either.
　　那么我們?cè)撊绾沃委?因婚外情所受的創(chuàng)傷? 欲望根深蒂固， 背叛刻骨銘心。t want more? But Iamp。m actually thinking even more so for the deceived partner, who will often say, amp。 (笑聲)
　　So how do we heal from an affair? Desire runs deep. Betrayal runs deep. But it can be healed. And some affairs are death knells for relationships that were already dying on the vine. But others will jolt us into new possibilities. The fact is, the majority of couples who have experienced affairs stay together. But some of them will merely survive, and others will actually be able to turn a crisis into an opportunity. Theyamp。ve also told quite a few of my patients that if they could bring into their relationships one tenth of the boldness, the imagination and the verve that they put into their affairs, they probably would never need to see me. (Laughter)
　　你們中一些人可能會(huì)想， 是不是在開(kāi)放的關(guān)系中 婚外情就不會(huì)發(fā)生了， 并不是這樣。
　　Now some of you probably think that affairs donamp。39。 緊接著他們會(huì)告訴我， 自己最近失去了什么人。 她的故事告訴我， 當(dāng)我們尋找情人的時(shí)候， 并不一定是想逃離現(xiàn)在的伴侶， 而是想逃離那個(gè)曾經(jīng)的自己。 但她跟我說(shuō)， 她總是在扮演別人期望的那個(gè)角色： 好女孩，好妻子，好母親， 照顧自己移民過(guò)來(lái)的父母。39。39。39。 透過(guò)出軌的表象，我們經(jīng)常能看到 一種尋求情感聯(lián)系的渴望， 追求新奇、自由、自立和性快感， 渴望找回失去的自我， 或者是試圖走出失意和悲傷。 從觀念上，他們通常贊同一夫一妻制， 至少對(duì)自己的另一半是如此。t all be pathological. The logic goes like this: If you have everything you need at home, then there is no need to go looking elsewhere, assuming that there is such a thing as a perfect marriage that will inoculate us against wanderlust. But what if passion has a finite shelf life? What if there are things that even a good relationship can never provide? If even happy people cheat, what is it about?
　　那如果我們能離婚，那為什么還要出軌呢? 一種典型的觀點(diǎn)是，如果你出軌，要么是婚